The other day, my 8yr old did something unacceptable. In the midst of my anger and confusion I found myself needing to stay calm, take some tough decisions and discipline a child who, though knowing she had done something wrong, did not fully understand the consequences. As if I wasn’t upset enough, my long drawn reasoning session with my 8yr old (who was very sorry) was constantly interrupted by my rambunctious 2yr old. All he wanted to do was throw things at us. He didn’t pay heed to my warnings and so we just dodged the many lego pieces, toy cars and other things coming at us, trying hard to focus on the important issue at hand. All of a sudden he picked up his mini push cycle and threw it at me. I lost my temper and I bellowed at him – he instantly began to scream and cry. It was at this point that, after a whole day of struggling with my emotions and underlying lack of rest, I cracked. I sank to the floor against the wall with my head in my hands and sobbed my eyes out.
I don’t often cry in front of my kids but I truly felt as if my whole world had come crashing down. No matter how realistic you are about life in general, it’s never easy when your otherwise perfect little child does something not so perfect. In that moment I felt compelled to write about his aspect of being a mother – the aspect that no one likes to talk about – the moments of imperfection. Motherhood is beautiful. But motherhood is hard – very hard.
It comes naturally to celebrate the joys of motherhood. It binds us together as mothers. Why then would we not stop to address the difficult moments? The moments of fatigue, the moments of frustration, the daily obligation to sacrifice a part of yourself, the daily battle to not sacrifice yourself so much that you cease to have an identity all together, the struggle to always be present, the often underlying desire to tell everyone to go to hell and just curl up with a book and a cup of tea, the guilty feeling of getting your priorities mixed up despite your best efforts, the heart break of having a child do something disappointing despite pouring your life into them – these imperfections have the potential to bind us together in a manner far more worthwhile than the fairy-floss, rainbows and unicorns aspects of motherhood. How wonderful if a mother having a rough day and fighting some battles could know that she isn’t alone. How wonderful for a mother to be reminded that acknowledging her struggles doesn’t mean that she loves her child any less. What a blessing if other mums would come alongside and say, “Me too!”…”It’s going to be okay”…”You’re doing well”.
I’m really blessed to have some wonderful mums in my world. They always remind me that my best isn’t just good enough but rather, it’s more than enough. They remind me that it’s okay not to sound like one of those perpetually enthused mums in TV commercials. They let me whinge. They remind me that kids will be kids and this doesn’t undermine a mother’s investment into her child. There is growth and comfort in support. There is no growth and no comfort in judgement.
The other day, I was upset with my daughter. I was upset with myself. I went over her lapses as a child. I went over all my lapses as a mother. On some level I blamed myself because there was no one else to blame. I went over all the “What ifs”. I went over all the “What nows”. As I fretted on and on, my own wise mother gently reminded me, “An apple tree will only bear apples. You are raising an apple tree. The young tree might look a bit weak and gnarly in places but eventually, it will grow, blossom and bear lovely apples. There is no chance of it bearing anything less than apples. Just continue to care for the tree.” My mum is still caring for her 32yr old apple tree. If you think about it, Motherhood is a verb – a doing word. As with any job that requires doing, it’s all about doing your best – whatever that may look like on some days.
Social media can be as real or as fake as you want it to be. I like to keep it real. If you are a mother who is as human as I am, I pray that you will find comfort in what I have shared. This is my way of coming alongside you and saying, “Me too!”.
– Melissa Domingo
3 Mar, 2017