They say truth is stranger than fiction. I am increasingly amazed at the truth in this statement as I journey through motherhood.
This morning I felt like a Ninja. All my work was on track to ensure that my daughter made it to school on time. I felt a bit conceited about the clockwork precision in my planning. Suddenly, my toddler stripped off his diaper and swung it at his sister. It landed on her shoulder with a heavy, slobbering thump. It’s seams spilt open covering my floor with millions of shiny, yellow diamonds. Except that the diamonds were really just granules of super absorbent polymer which, after a while night’s sleep, were super saturated with pee. All my detailed planning ended in a very detailed and long clean-up op.
I always thought that dropping something in the toilet bowl was really gross. I now know that throwing something in isn’t gross; fishing it out is. I have experienced extreme nausea on occasions when my kids have dropped toys into the pot and then called on me to fish it out – thank God for disposable gloves. There was this one time when I didn’t just experience nausea but also heart palpitations. My son had purposely thrown one of his cars into the pot and then fished it out himself minus the gloves. But I must admit, my reaction to this was less severe than the time he decided to put the contents of his diaper on the kitchen bench top.
Have you ever thought of the mall as a scary place? Well, I do. I am that mother who is often frantically racing down the isles of various stores looking for my children. They do love hiding from me. They also love running away. Just yesterday when we were at the shops my toddler insisted on holding one of the lighter shopping bags and my car keys. He also insisted on walking a short distance behind me – a big boy with a massive air of responsibility. Suddenly, before I could process what was happening, he dropped the bag and keys, darting ahead of me at top speed towards the parking lot. I was forced to go after him – leaving the bag and keys lying on the floor, in the middle of the mall. I caught up with him just as he went through the automatic sliding doors to the car park. I got a lot of strange looks from people as I trudged back to locate my keys, dragging along a toddler who was fully invested in a terrible tantrum, hell-bent on body swabbing the floors.
When I first became a mum I never knew that other people’s food and drink spills would become a cause for personal embarrassment. Like that time when my daughter dropped her glass of water on my lap leaving me to finish my shopping looking like I had nervously peed my pants. I also never knew that touching (and sometimes tasting) random stuff can be one’s favourite past time. My kids touch EVERYTHING. They also have a supernatural affinity for finding forbidden items despite my extreme care to hide them in a secret place.
Thank God that at least communication with the kids is very crisp and clear. I asked my 8yr the other day how she was going with learning Aussie football. “I’ve learned the rules really well. When the teacher says ‘Smelly armpits’ you’re supposed to pick up the ball, put it under your armpit and then you’re not allowed to throw it anymore”, she answered.
Yes, truth is much stranger than fiction. Fortunately, the mum life is positioned somewhere between the terribly strange and the wonderfully heart warming. How can you put a price on the custom-made art work, the cuddles, the ‘I love mamma’ and the butterfly kisses?! It’s this dynamic blend of the strange and the wonderful that keeps a mother’s heart – it makes her forget that the lemonade looking drink she just sipped was really cloudy water her toddler had black splashed into the glass. Every night after I put my kids to bed, I tend to linger around for a bit. I admire their little faces as they sleep – so peaceful, so angelic, so innocent, so perfect…everything in my life seems so obviously sensible. As I turn of lights I feel really certain that though it didn’t happen today (or yesterday)(or the day before) tomorrow will definitely be the day that I get to take a shower on my own.