The Big Dress

I was one of those children who absolutely loved weddings. “Wedding, Wedding” was a popular game in my circle of little friends. I have worn many pillow case veils and been fake-married to multiple teddy bears, little cousins and fellow wedding-obsessed friends when I was a little girl. As a teenager there came the more subtle wedding fantasies – the specifics of the wedding were ever changing, most notably the groom’s face. For a while it was Tom Cruise. Then came Brendan Fraser, Leonardo DiCaprio, Mathew McConahey, etc. But one thing in all my fantasy weddings never changed – I always wore a Big Princess Dress. There was just something magical about a Big, White Wedding dress. 

Fast forward several years to the year 2006.

I was seated on the couch with my mum at the best dressmaker’s in our city. The day of my wedding would soon be a reality; complete with a groom who’s face meant a lot more to me than that of any Hollywood actor. We poured over pages and pages of wedding dress catalogues. My dress was going to be handmade from exquisite lace but I was still undecided on the style. By 2006 fashion had moved away from the big wedding dress of yesteryear. It was now all about the slim, the straight-cut, the understated and the so-called “sophisticated”. Apparently, wearing a veil was also passé. I had changed too; for the most part. I was no longer the young teenager who marched to the beat of my own drum. I no longer wore several ear piercings with conviction. Nor did I have blood red streaks running through my hair. Nor did I wear black lipstick and half a dozen silver bracelets that sparkled when I played my guitar. By this time the world had broken me in and presented me with my fair share of disappointments. Like most young people, I preferred to simply fit in rather than stand out. In this case, I was willing to swap my lifelong dream of the big white wedding dress for the more current style simply because I would fit in better. The dressmaker was a kind and experienced lady and as I flipped through the pages of the style catalogues she sensed my heart without me even saying a word. She gently told me, “It’s your day. If you want to wear a grand, flared, big dress then you should do just that. It’s the only day in your life when you can get away with it. Imagine looking back with regret at not getting the dress that you really wanted to wear. Don’t compromise on your dream.” I gathered confidence and I got the dress of my choice – an exquisite,handmade lace dress with a flared six piece skirt, a massive train with pearls and rhinestones to boot. Needless to say, I felt every bit a princess as I walked down the aisle towards my prince on my wedding day. 

We have been married for 10 years now.

In more recent years, going through our wedding photos is always accompanied by the joking and “what was I thinking?” laughter that old photos of ourselves evoke. What on earth was I thinking wearing a big dress like that?! And growing out my otherwise short hair just to wear an up do on the day?! Attempting to work my poker straight hair into ringlets?! The long old-fashioned bridal bouquet…the elbow length gloves?! Whaaaaat?! Yes, all of the above seem totally ridiculous. Yet, the other day, as I went through our wedding pictures to find a suitable one for a “Wedding Anniversary Facebook Post”, I remembered  how I felt on my wedding day. There was no one to make jokes with, I was on my own, looking at all these picture memories and I truly relived that moment in time. I felt exactly like I did ten years ago – like a princess. I can whole heartedly say, I would not trade in that feeling for the most current and fashionable outfit in the world. 

You see, this little piece of writing isn’t about a wedding dress. Not even vaguely. This is about listening to your heart.

How many times have you compromised on the little things that make you happy simply because you felt too afraid or awkward to do what you really wanted? Or maybe you pushed yourself to the very bottom of your priority list? I know I have done this many times. I have done this to the point that it became a habit for me to simply go with the flow or do what was practical. Life and its many quirks can corner us into this mindset. The constant worry for the future can rob us of the present. But really, it’s the memories we make in the present that carry us through our future.

Reliving my moment in my not so “current” wedding dress reminded me of several other moments when I decided to throw all logic to the wind and simply do what made me happy. Like that time I spied a Ninja turtles T-shirt in the Teen section of a clothing store. I absolutely adored the Ninja turtles when I was a kid. But how would this, otherwise cool, t-shirt look on a 30 year old? Well, I decided to buy it and find out. I must say, the amount of joy it affords me is worth those weird looks I receive from all the “real” adults whenever I wear it. Then there’s the time that I shelved all reasoning and  went on a reallllllly fast bike ride on a cold, wet night. I did catch a minor cold from this adventure but goodness, it was worth the absolute freedom I felt in that moment! 

No, I haven’t mastered this delicate balance between heart and mind but I have been making a very serious effort recently. It is a journey and it’s one I’m willing to travel. I am only just beginning to understand the advice that a very wise, older artist friend gave me when I was a young teenager. He said, “Mel, you needn’t draw the lamp post straight. Don’t be afraid to draw it zig-zag if that’s how you see it. That’s true art.” My friend was talking about art but I do believe this extends to every aspect of our lives. I’m constantly amazed at many laughs, how much joy and energy these little memories afford me in the midst of life’s chaos; those tiny moments when I did what made my heart happy. I don’t even remember the insignificant others or other things that lurked on the sidelines. 

I don’t know what makes your heart happy. Maybe it’s a Ninja turtle t-shirt or maybe you love singing bad Karaoke. Maybe you like to shelve your corporate image every weekend and dress like a rockstar from the 80’s or maybe it’s something as simple as eating a whole tub of ice-cream in your pyjamas…it could be anything at all that makes you happy. For the sake of the point I’m trying to make, let’s just call it a “Big Dress”. If it is legal and not detrimental to yourself and those around you, seize the moment. Wear that Big Dress! And don’t forget to whole-heartedly believe that you’re the cat’s whiskers!